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‘Who is The Fat Lady Sings, and Why is She Saying Those Terrible Things About Me’?

Sorry – dated reference. I guess you have to be a Dustin Hoffman fan. Terrible movie, though – don’t you think? Talk about 70’s indulgence! Trust me, honey – the only good thing about it for a pubescent teenager was the naked people. Klute was a thousand times better, and all I really got about that was the wardrobe!

Where to begin? Let’s avoid the obvious; you know - too pedestrian, wouldn’t you say? How’s about a basic description? My eyes are blue, my hair is red and I freckle: the rest is subject to change without notice (apologies to Anne McCaffrey). I currently am in possession of several cats, two dogs and a husband in that order. Educated? Well - I certainly put enough time in! Finishing my MFA at the moment, with plans on tracking down that known to be elusive PHD as soon as I can come up for air (tra la). Worked in professional theatre until sanity arrived (late - but it was nicely packaged) - now writing full time. Middle-age has recently reared its ugly head and started kicking my ass, and boy am I pissed! You know, God only gives you a warranty till you’re thirty - after that you are on your own!!!

I must say, being old as dirt has little to recommend it. Certainly not what the brochure from AARP propagandized - and I’m not even eligible for that shit yet! It’s kind of like the Jetsons – we were promised flying cars – so - where the hell are the godamn flying cars? Well, I was promised that growing older involved long walks holding hands with my sweetie in the proverbial park. What fucking park would that be, I wonder?! The only park I ever see is in the background of a Mark Ryden painting – interesting, even intellectually stimulating - but ya gotta be on mushrooms to navigate! So - if you all wonder why I seem a mite irritated at times - there you have it. Not enough cows in Georgia! OK - I’m kidding, I’m kidding – get down offa that high horse. All we grow ‘round here are fire ants (she smiles). Cue theme from The Pink Panther.

Anywhoha – suffice it to say I am female, have an IQ higher than my current age, and a background rooted in the arts (which explains my inability to suffer fools of any stripe). Politically I fall somewhere between Progressive (a pox on both their houses) and Libertarian (just fix the road, damn it - and then get the fuck out of my way!). My philosophy of life? Well, as the immortal Mame Dennis was fond of saying, 'life is a banquet; only most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death'! As for the notes of my song – well, you figure it out. Let’s just say I can hit a high ‘E’ whilst balancing this computer on my head!

Bring it on!